July 26, 2012

• Not unhappy…

  But not happy either.  Over the past few months, I feel like I’ve just been stuck in such a rut.  I wake up, work out, go to work, finish up at work, go home (or leave my home office), make dinner, and go to bed.  Rinse and repeat.  EVERY.  DAMN.  DAY.

  My job has a lot of monotony in it, which I know isn’t good for my personality.  I’ve really enjoyed the side work I’ve been doing (one project was a major acquisition in Germany, which has me traveling back and forth from the NL to Germany each month), and the other project has been planning for our large truck show in September.  I enjoy those parts a lot…they’re different and fast paced, and it keeps me engaged.  The rest of my job (the other 85%) is sort of mundane and very repetitive.  It’s been hard to stick with it and keep myself going, which I’m sure is contributing to my feelings of being in a rut.

  Another contributing factor is my weight.  I’ve put on about 10 pounds since I lost all the weight before…which really sucks.  Traveling and a high stress job definitely contribute to my weight gain, and I feel really defeated about it.  Plus, we got out of the working out routine while Jamie was hurt, so that definitely didn’t help being inactive for a few months.  Basically, just really not happy with my body, but we’re slowly getting back into the groove and I’m slowly losing the wight I gained…again.

  Lastly, I’m feeling a lot of pressure from family lately.  Pressure to be home ASAP, pressure to take care of people, pressure to financially support siblings…crap like that.  Jamie and I are the only ones in my family that are even remotely financially stable (other than my parents…but they’re retired and on fixed income), and all the other kids alway come to us if they need something or whatever. 

  A few days ago, my sister called me asking me to buy her son a computer for Christmas.  A computer!  Even though those things are cheaper now than they were when they first come out, they are in no way shape or form “cheap.”  They’re struggling financially…her husband’s job isn’t the most secure (he works at a factory, on the line), and she’s a stay-at-home mom to her son, who is turning 8.  They ask my mom regularly for money to buy things they need (groceries are a big one), and I definitely don’t have a problem giving them money for something like that…a necessity.  The problem I have is, I know they buy alcohol and cigarettes with the money that my mom gives them (as well as food, for sure), and I don’t consider those necessities at all.  Plus…really…I don’t consider a computer a necessity either!  Chase (her son) has access to the computers at the school and at the public library, so it’s not like he can’t use them other places.  

  I think what really cheesed me off the most is the way it was done.  I had told my parents that if we made the decision to stay in Europe, I would get them a computer so that we could Skype video chat once we had kids.  I want my parents to be a part of our children’s lives, so it was important to me…and if getting them a computer would help that along, then I was willing to do it.  My mom told me not to worry about it, to save my money, and that we would work it out.  She must have made mention of it to my sister, which is where she got the idea to ask me.  My mom called her up to ask her about it after I talked to her (I asked my mom if she wanted to go in on the computer for Christmas…sort of a family gift), and my sister told my mom that “since she (my mom) turned down the computer, maybe I could get it for them instead.”  No mention at all of Chase needing it for school or anything (which is what she told me)…just more like, “well…if you’re not going to take the freebie, I sure as hell will.”  Which, honestly, makes me feel like I’m taken advantage of.  (And, for those of you that know my life, you’ll know that when I refer to my sister, I am talking about my biological mother who put me up for adoption and my maternal grandparents adopted me).  So, in reality, I feel like my own mother is taking advantage of me!  Her own flesh and blood (god, could I BE any more melodramatic…but I really do feel this way).

  So yeah…I’m sort of struggling right now.  I’m feeling like I’m in this giant rut in life, and it’s wearing me down.  It’s also taken a toll on our marriage (not a  big one, but it’s still an issue) because Jamie feels like I’m not happy with anything, including him (which isn’t the case, but that’s emotions for you).  So…I really need to get my head out of my ass and find out how to make myself happy again.  I have very few friends here, and non live within an hour and a half, so I feel like I rely on Jamie all the time for my social interaction.  That’s really not fair to him at all, and not to me either. 

  Ugh…I hate being like this!  I need to get my shit sorted.

   

  XOXOXO,
  K.

  • 7:31 am
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